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Archive for the ‘grievances’ Category

Current topics on controlling and being controlled

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I’m beginning to feel exhausted about someone that I thought it’s over already. Yet, until now somehow I keep thinking about this fellow and some other persons related to this fellow. I’m not so sure how I feel about them but the obvious thing is I don’t feel good about making friends with them. I know partly it is also my mistake to let myself reserving from their conscious offering considered many times. I always found good reasons for it. It is because I don’t see any advantage of going here and there aimlessly which I found no interest in. It seems that no one understands, but I’m already giving up going out with ones aimlessly based on social duty that are boredom and tiresome…I would prefer to stay alone. This one is still my struggle. I am not used to flock together because I am an introvert by birth…almost 33 years old by now…and it is a way easier to go by myself. And it would be a laughing stock to get involved in this kind of immature affair. But wait…this is not because of my being introvert, I just felt some kind of lost because of this effortless friendship. I was jealous but unable to clear the situation. I was in a state of circumference. Confined to my character and personality against the nature. Hmmm, I have to be extra wise in showing my preference just because I like or dislike doesn’t mean I have rights to judge and express it publicly. Somehow quite many times I found that I lost my confidence in a friend after some time of disrespectful conversations and meetings and it seems this fellow never realized that something is wrong and that it needs to be taken care of, instead this friend seems to choose to cut off the conversation and let it hung up. Many hang ups at the other sides. Useless meetings…helpless confrontation. Unheard words and silent objections. Unable to open the conversation. Unable to listen to the end. Quick judgments. Unleashed feelings. Unspoken words. False assumptions. Fake friendship. Clueless fellow with high sensitivity. Each of us thinks right in his own understanding and seemingly to being content with his own power and consider other mate as less contended, poor, and perhaps less intelligent or less faith. This overly pride has drive me crazy for about years for not knowing how to handle both feelings and at the same time recovering. Poor understanding. Big faith or big misunderstanding? Forgiveness or forgetting? This has led me to set a distance and shut the door once again until I figure out how to resolve.

dark sides

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Everyone has dark sides, the shadow part of his life. Those dark sides are inevitably rooted in the deep thoughts of one’s. The question is why those dark sides are inevitable. Come to think of it, certainly those are weaknesses.

The next question is how to overcome those weaknesses if ever comes back again. But then, will those weaknesses to be dealt with ever comes back once they are overcome?

Once, Paul the Apostle said to keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. He was tormented by thing no one knows what, but it was by God grace. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

How selfish God is to me. He demands obedience, total obedience, and dependence, total dependence. He demands our faithfulness, not a single thought away from him on everything. He demands our perfection. He demands our life, our soul, our heart. He demands our worship, in any occasion. He demands our gratitude. He gives us tests of our faith. He gives us sufferings and sorrows. He leaves us alone at times. He leaves us with all the weaknesses that are incurable.

Yet, so far he is always able to give us reasons to trust him, to depend on him, to give thanks to him, to see his remarkable deeds, to look down on every sorrow and suffering, to look away from every weakness that torment our souls. He provides way to turn to him. He put an answer to every search. He open a door when all seems to close.

I have been hiding from God ever since I realize I have those dark sides. Dare not to open them to God, let alone to overcome them. I chose to run away. Now that all those dark sides come into surface, I realize that no where to run. His light has overcome my dark sides. They are no longer dark but exposed to the light. I am scared so much that I have stopped thinking. What am I to be from now on? I only want to live up to his righteousness. What is right? When this will end? I do not want to run away anymore.. It is so tiring, but tell me what to do in right way. Because alone I will be lost. All by myself is undependable. My thought, my mind, my judgment, my feeling, my way, my heart, my dream, my decision are no longer I. Those are no good without YOU.

I want to know YOU more, tell me more, speak to me more. I want to depend on YOU everyday, let me feel YOU, let me be close to YOU. Teach me and discipline me. Comfort my soul with your sweet words. Feed me with your manna. Quench me with your living water. Because I know that first YOU love me.

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