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Posts Tagged ‘thought’

about my brother

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After I called my mother, I always got stunning news. My brother still could not get the satisfactory result of his job hunting. Now about my brother, he’s only a year older than me, just got married but doesn’t have job yet. I am so concerned about him until now, but honestly do not know how to help. When I went home to visit my family last December, I gave him money along and told him to find job with that only lil money. At that time I really emphasized that it was a loan, so he needed to return after he found a job. I hope this would encourage him. I know job opportunity is scarce world-widely. Even more for my brother who has no skill and experience in general. He apparently doesn’t like to work and break sweat. He doesn’t like to do trivial things. That is why it is difficult to find job suitable for him. Mom and dad have difficulty to encourage him and give advices to him. Perhaps thousand times and still he could not find any. I heard him once got a job, but then soon got fired because he could not do as instructed or something. My sister reported to me.

I was grown up with him. I believed that since I was child I always looked up at him and tried to excel him. I am a competitor. My scores were always above average, but his was always under. When he showed his subtle hatred toward me, I knew but I did not care. I always thought about myself and did my best in everything. I was perfectionist. I could sense whenever our parents looked at or talked about me with favor to the exaggerating point, he showed subtle contempt at me even though I could not remember what and how. I just felt insecure whenever I got good scores or appraised by parents. That’s why I understood my brother’s feeling toward me and kept silent when he did violent attitude. I was only a stupid and annoying kid. I knew if I reported him, parents would scold him violently. He was as rebellious as I am.┬áParents are strange. They said they love us but they show favoritism just because I scored better than my brother. I never could have the right motivation to study or even to do my hobby in music cheerfully because I felt insecure in achieving appraisal over my achievement. Good scores no longer bring happiness to me, because my brother would be off with me.

I love playing instrument with simple tunes. Sometimes, during my break, I hummed a jingle in my mind and put some lyrics in it. I wanted to create a full song, but soon it’s gone just like that. I never could remember how it sounds like. I dreamed of having my own piano, that’s why when I got pianika, piano-harmonika, in 6th grade though not as what I wanted, I still felt joy and played it happily. I wonder who threw it away since it must have been broken long time ago.

My brother doesn’t have a hobby, if collecting money is not one. He loves money too much in a real sense. Once he lost money in such a big amount. Twice, I remember now. Once when he lost it, he was in a bus or during a motor ride to home. Second was a deception. He trusted a local company which offered high interest in savings. No longer after that he lost it and seemed very hard to get it back. I didn’t know whether he already reported to police, but he’s not the only one.

My brother seems never learn anything. I didn’t write this for his bad, but since he hardly listens to people especially me, I can only write this in order to get some idea of how to help him. I understand his not wonderful past experience, but since we could not change it, I wish he would learn something and start doing things for his own good. For his future not only present time. I will pray for him to be grown up and mature.

who has the mind?

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What will you do if your mind no longer has control over what you are doing? The words said to others seemed to be not your own. Those were from the deep thoughts that suddenly came up and blurted out.

I am an introvert whose characteristic is occupied by myself for most of the time. That is me. Occupying by my own thought even though I am surrounded by people. One thing that I recognized is that when someone suddenly asks me question to see whether I am listening or not, I could not answer or react accordingly. I am lost in conversation. I did understand the story or what people are telling me, but my replies were certainly not as expected. Recently, this makes me sad. Sometimes I said enough to myself or just giving up meeting people for the time being, but it makes things even worst. I do not know why this happened to me ever worse around this time.

I completely lost my confidence. Things that I hold on for long time, being so capable in understanding others, now no longer exists. My confidence has been destroyed by my own mind. I no longer have control over my mind. I could say recently I have become clueless and senseless. In much conversation I could hardly focus on things other people trying to say. I proceed with my own understanding and imagination that are frequently much more different.

Then, I was intrigued by the word ‘good’. Twice I’ve been told of being good, yet what is good anyway? I believe what Bible say that God is good, that God is not said very good. Even he did not say on the six days of creation that everything is very good. He simply said that everything is good. It means good is good, and there is no level. Only people make level and separate things into groups. Should I jump into conclusion when the Creator never exaggerate things. What does it mean to be good then? What good is me when I fail to understand what people are saying? Probably this is too much to ask, but I desperately need solutions since what I am doing right now is to respond and to express my thoughts.

Yet, I know what it means by my thoughts are not your thoughts…neither are your ways my ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. It is not I but HIM. I shan’t depend on my own thought and understanding, but on HIM alone. To anticipate for more unexpected thing to happen is the best way to avoid confusion and tumbling over again. It is not necessarily being smart, but wise.

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